Experience:300mg Ketamine (Insufflated) - The Void: Finding peace in death

Experience reports - Ketamine

• Date: 24/04/2018
• Age: 16
• Sex: Male
• Height: 187 cm
• Weight: 55 kg / 121 lbs
• Misc: My set was depressive, suicidal, anxious, unresponsive, mildly dissociated, and my setting was a school night, at home, in my closet. Other drugs that I had taken that night were 0.2g cannabis (Vaped at 428F through bong, Hawaiian Snow strain), and clonidine 0.1mg (Oral). The ketamine was the S+ enantiomer.
• Background: I'd just been yelled at by my parents after I had told them a few days earlier that I had been doing hard drugs for 1.5 years and that I felt as though I needed to tell them the truth about what I'm really doing with my life. Afterwards I was told that I wasn't allowed to smoke pot anymore (and I'm a medical user, keep in mind) and that I couldn't get intimate with my girlfriend anymore so long as I lived with my parents. I felt so much regret for telling them anything and I'd wished that I'd never told them the truth. After I got yelled at, I felt relatively dissociated (I get like that when I get anxious) despite being sober. I decided that I didn't care whether I lived or died by the end of the day, said "fuck it," brought out my vial of crystal Ketamine S+, and set up a little drug den in my closet to stay in for the night. I hadn't taken any dissociatives, including Ketamine, for 2 weeks before this trip. I took a 0.1mg clonidine pill I have more my insomnia around an hour before dosing the ketamine. I have diagnosed major depressive disorder, OCD, and ADHD.

Report

T -0:00 After weighing out 150mg of ketamine powder and cutting five small, clean lines of ket, I insufflated the first line, went to the washroom, urinated, and filled my water bottle. I could hear my parents arguing upstairs, screaming at the top of their lungs. I wanted to go upstairs and scream "What gives either of you the fucking right," but decided that I couldn't care less for how anything played out, just in general. I got back to my closet and felt mildly dissociated, visually.

T -0:05 Snorted two big lines of ket. I thought about what I was doing for a moment in time. "Should I really be doing drugs right now," I thought. "Does it really matter?" "Not really." I drank some water to clear the nasal drip taste out of my throat and went for another line while I listened to some FIDLAR. Almost immediately, the music started sounding like plastic, and was extremely quiet. The ket was kicking in, and fast.

T -0:10 I went for the last line. 150mg down. Keep in mind, the highest dose of ketamine I'd done before this was 135mg with tolerance, so 150mg with no tolerance was quite the jump in intensity. I turned off the disco lights in my closet and laid down on my back while the FIDLAR song "Leave Me Alone" played.

"Alright I'm lazy

And fucking crazy

And you think I'm putting on some kind of act

But this is me, me, me, me, me

And you know what's sick

I kinda like it

That nobody I know really lives like this

But I love it"

I connected to this a lot more intimately than normal. It felt as though the lyrics were written just for me, at that moment in time. I was quite dissociated, and slowly, my anxiety started to dissipate into the void of dissociation.

T -0:20 With ketamine, I don't typically get very immersed in the music I listen to, regardless of genre. It all sounds so plastic and low-quality that I could usually care less about listening to anything. However, this time, it was all I wanted to do. I just wanted to forget about reality, for even just a moment. The visual disconnection coupled with the pitch black darkness of my closet was intense. I don't normally hallucinate on ketamine, but this time everything was quite vivid. I opened my eyes and saw nothing but darkness. I closed my eyes and small voids began to form. Gravity gave way, slowly. I started to slip away.

T -0:40 I had a lot of contemplative thoughts and ideas, mostly about whether or not I should ever be truthful with my family ever again. "No, never." It made sense. For one time in my life, I'd told the truth, and was punished for it. "Never again."

T -0:45 I turned on my light again, and realized how intensely dissociated I was, physically and mentally. I couldn't feel any tactile sensation whatsoever; gravity was gone; my thoughts were in a different reality than the present one. It was at this point I decided to go all out. I tried weighing out 75mg of ketamine, but instead I spilled it onto the scale nearly immediately after opening the vial due to the physical disconnection and my lack of motor skills at the time, and I ended up spilling 300mg onto the scale. I eyeballed the dose, split the mound of crystal in two, then clumsly cut some more lines from the (what was most likely around) 150mg pile of ketamine. I snorted the first of three lines, which was rather difficult because of the optical sliding and visual disconnection; I would place my snorting straw on the mirror I was using, then try and drag it across while snorting, but my vision kept sliding downwards, so I kept missing it. Took me 4 tries to snort the whole line. Once again, I turned off my light, put on the album "Trevor Something - Death Dream," and closed my eyes.

"If I die before I wake

I prey the lord my soul to take

But if I already lost my faith

Would it be to late?"

This was particularly eerie and ominous, considering my situation and state of mind.

T -0:50 More of the same in terms of dissociation and visuals. I turned on my light and immediately went for the last two lines of ketamine. 300mg snorted in total. I laid down once again, not caring about whether I'd be alive to see tomorrow. It seemed so fruitless.

T -1:05 The dissociation started to hit me like a freight train, and I could feel myself k-holing, harder than I've ever experienced before. I decided that it was finally time to take out my vape-bong combo and rip some fat clouds. Being a teenager whose first dissociative was DXM, all dissociatives never feel the same without some herb. Over the next 5 minutes I did something like 10 vape-bong rips of the sativa Hawaiian Snow (my favourite strain, recreationally) at 428F, which almost always leaves me completely and utterly fucked.

T -1:15 Having vaped to my heart's content, I set my vape and bong aside, turned off the lights one last time, slipped myself into a sleeping bag I had on the floor of my closet, drank a whole lot of water, and got comfy as I laid down. Almost immediately after I closed my eyes, all sense of gravity had faltered, and inevitably gave way. I saw a silhouette of myself in a slight fetal position, floating in an immense void of space, where time was foreign, and I was the only inhabitant. Streaks of deep orange-red which morphed into the shape of a grid occasionally came into existence; the only thing which had real colour. Everything was quite dim. I was floating away, it felt like. I floated through The Void like it were an ocean; I had no care for where it was taking me, and I knew that, where ever I found myself, it would be better there. No more Shame. No more Fear. No more Dread. The Void, as I call it, was possibly the most euphoric experience I've ever had with drugs. An all-encompassing, wholesome glow. I felt at peace. The ringing in my ears was palpable, even with music playing. It seemed to override everything else. Music had an intense amount of reverb tacked onto it, and was incredibly muted in volume and range. Vocals sounded like random noise; purposeless and bereft of meaning. If I focused on the sound of synthesizers, I could change the way they sounded via thought, which was quite cool. My thoughts were whimsical, but made complete sense.

I was in a state of pure, unadulterated bliss.

T -1:40 As time passed, The Void remained as intense as its peak for a relatively long time. However, the more time passed, the more fearful I grew that I may have legitimately overdosed on ketamine (I mean, 300mg for someone who weighs 55kg is an absolutely ludicrious dose). I'd had this experience with DXM before on my first third plateau trip, but this time it was tenfold in intensity. I could physically feel my body being stretched and dragged incredible distances, which also occured on the aforementioned DXM trip. I was spinning, and fast. The more I was stretched, and the more I span, the more convinced I grew that I had died. I tried to sit up, but I couldn't feel myself move. I opened my eyes and it was pitch black. I couldn't find the light in my closet by simply running my hands on objects, either, as I had no tactile sensation. Having given up, I laid down again (if I had even sat up in the first place) and accepted my fate. I accepted my death, and was at peace with that fact. I felt good. "It's over, finally," I thought.

Not long after, I either passed out or fell asleep by accident, as that thought was the last thing I remember from my 300mg ketamine trip. I woke up with an intense afterglow which lasted almost the entire next day. This should go without saying, but please, if you're planning on taking Ketamine, be more responsible than I, and don't do any drug in such a horrible set and setting as mine.

Submitted by Hella

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